Self-Regulation and Self-Awareness

Something that you think is menial happens with your child, they lose a board game, a routine changes, someone takes their seat, dinner isn't what they expected and the response is enormous. Tears that don't stop, screaming that rattles the whole house, a body that can't seem to come back down. Or a child who goes completely silent and rigid, unable to move through the moment at all. You find yourself managing their feelings more than you're parenting them. You start avoiding certain situations certain games, certain transitions, certain words, because you know what's coming.

Is this just their personality, or is something wrong?Why can't they just calm down, other kids seem to handle this fine? Are we making it worse by trying to help, or by not helping enough? Will they grow out of this?

Emotional feelings are not a malfunction. They are developmentally expected and in the right conditions, they are the very material out of which self-regulation is built. Ormrod's work draws on decades of research showing that emotional regulation is not something children are born with; it is a skill that develops gradually, through repeated experience with supportive adults who help them name, tolerate, and move through difficult emotions without being overwhelmed.

The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for regulating emotional responses, making decisions, and putting the brakes on impulses is not fully developed until the mid-twenties. In young children, it is barely online. What this means practically is that a five-year-old who loses a game and melts down is not being dramatic or manipulative. Their brain genuinely does not yet have the architecture to do what we're asking it to do. What looks like a behavior problem is often a developmental gap and one that closes with time, practice, and support from the adults around them.

This is not about blame; it is about understanding. Some patterns that make big feelings harder to manage in a child often trace back to what the environment around them modeled or made possible in their earliest years. For example, a child who was rarely allowed to experience frustration and whose discomfort was resolved quickly by an adult before they had a chance to move through it themselves may not have developed the tolerance for difficulty that regulation requires.

A child whose routines were inconsistent, whose transitions were abrupt, or who rarely had advance warning of change may have a nervous system that is chronically braced for surprise. Predictability is important for children; it is the foundation on which emotional safety is built.Routines don’t need to be 100% perfect, however they need to be a part of everyday life.

A child who was told to stop crying, calm down, or get over it, without being helped to do any of those things learned that their emotional experience was inconvenient. They didn't learn to regulate. They learned to suppress, which is very different and tends to surface elsewhere.

Name the feeling before you try to fix it. "You are so disappointed right now" does more in the first thirty seconds of a meltdown than any solution you could offer. Ormrod's work on emotional learning is consistent: children regulate faster when they feel understood, not managed.

Stay regulated yourself. This is the hardest one and the most important. Your nervous system is doing something to their nervous system in every charged moment. A calm, low voice and a steady presence isn't just kind, it is neurologically regulatory. You are the co-regulator until they can do it themselves. Try to remain calm.

Build predictability into the day. Routines are not about rigidity, they create safety. A child who knows what comes next doesn't have to spend energy bracing for the unknown. Transition warnings, like "five more minutes, then we'll clean up" and advance notice of changes all reduce the anxiety that big feelings feed on.

Practice when everything is fine. Talk about emotions at the dinner table, during a walk, while reading a book. Name your own feelings out loud. Play games that involve losing and process it together. The time to build regulation skills is not in the middle of a meltdown.It happens in all the ordinary moments before one.

Let them lose. At games, at arguments, at getting their way. Not cruelly, consistently. A child who has never lost at Candy Land will not have the tools to lose gracefully at something that matters. Tolerance for disappointment is built in small, safe doses over a long period of time. Rescuing them every day does not help self-regulation.

Repair the pattern out loud if it needs repairing. If you recognize yourself in any of the earlier sections, if the home was loud, or unpredictable, or feelings were shut down rather than held you can say so, in age-appropriate terms. "I'm learning how to help you with big feelings, and I'm going to keep practicing" is one of the most powerful things a parent can offer. It models the exact skill you're trying to build.

The signs are quieter than the struggles. A meltdown that used to last forty minutes starts resolving in fifteen. They begin to use words, even imperfect ones, before their body takes over. They accept a loss at a game without it derailing the whole afternoon. They come to you after they've calmed down instead of waiting for you to come to them. These are not small things. They are evidence that the scaffolding is working and that the skill is becoming theirs.These struggles in the early years, especially prior to going to kindergarten, will literally pay off for the rest of your lives.

I spent years watching children labeled as "too emotional" or "too sensitive" grow into kids who were, in fact, some of the most perceptive and deeply connected people in the room once the adults around them learned to meet them where they were. Big feelings are not the problem. They are information. Your job is not to make them stop. It's to help your child learn that feelings move through, that they are survivable, nameable, and not the end of anything. This will help them when starting school, playing sports, learning to play an instrument, everywhere.This is a lesson that will serve them forever.

Ormrod, J. E., & Jones, B. D. (2018). Essentials of educational psychology: Big ideas to guide effective teaching (5th ed.). Pearson.

Below are some great children’s books that are helpful to share with your child.

The Way I Feel by Janan Cain. Direct, validating, and visually expressive. Good for 3–6.

When Sophie Gets Angry, Really, Angry by Molly Bang.Shows the full arc of a big feeling moving through a child and resolving. Normalizes without dramatizing. Ages 3–7.

The Color Monster: A Pop-Up Book of Feelings by Anna Llenas. Uses color to sort and name emotions. Visually engaging for kids who don’t respond to direct language. Ages 3–7.

Those Shoes by Maribeth Boelts. About wanting something you can't have and learning to sit with that. Quiet and real. Ages 4–8.

Wemberly Worried by Kevin Henkes. A classic for the child who catastrophizes. Gentle and true. Ages 3–6.

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst. A timeless permission slip for hard days. Ages 4–8.

The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn Illustrated by Ruth E. Harper and Nancy M. Leak. A perfect story for any child going off to kindergarten, or school for the first time.Ages 3-6.